DEAR MAMA

 

 

I hope you are happy,often there are  days when I wonder if you are smiling where you are as you watch us.  It has been decades,I am older, but I’ve never outgrown the days when I would run home crying and desperate for your embrace, I still miss you everyday.

 

I wish you have stayed longer to tell me that the world is cruel beyond that embrace. I have found that out on my own.I have now realised that my memory of your example of quiet bravery and strength has been my teacher.I can only hope and wish that I have half the strength you had in your lifetime.I also wish that you have stayed longer to have discovered with me  that the rest of the world is beautiful.

 

I hope you are proud of me because I’m not proud of myself or some of my choices and sometimes I wonder if I would have made better choices had you been there to hold my hand. You were the only person to ever exist who truly believed I could be anything, that I could be the best of the best, even I have doubts on that.Sometimes  there are  dark days when I wish I could love myself as much as you have loved me.

 

I want you to know that if I’m ever allowed to have a child  in this lifetime, I will shower that child with hugs, like the ones you have showered me with and teach her everything you would have  taught me  had you been allowed to.

I want you to know that you are still in me. Despite my failures , my brokenness, my exhaustion, my doubts,my hopes, I am still your little girl and your altruism will always be my weapon and your bravery is my shield in this sometimes beautiful, sometimes cruel world.

I still miss you everyday.

 

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