A BREAK UP LETTER A YEAR TOO LATE

 

THIS is the last letter I’m writing you. I cant write a heading because I don’t know you anymore I’ve forgotten your name and I’ve forgotten that word which means love in the dialect we grew up speaking, you use to be that to me. I’ve written you letters in the last nine years that we were together, I never gave them to you because I was saving them as a wedding present, but I wasn’t at your wedding, in fact I am never going to be in your future.

 

I don’t know what happened to us, all I know is that you owe me a better explanation, you owe nine years of my life a better excuse, you owe all our friends and our family a better ending to this story, but I soon realised that our story is not our whole lives it’s just a part of it, maybe afterall, I’m just a chapter in yours and maybe I owe you an explanation too.

 

You said you knew that I’m strong and you were always right but I only believed that now after I survived season after season of walking home alone watching the sunset in a cold unfamiliar country knowing that every reason I have to actually come here and fight for a place here is no longer true.   I left home because we were going to settle in a nice country like this, years later you are settled and I am picking up the pieces of a lost love in a nice and cold country, alone. I have to admit that one of the saddest thing on earth is to wake up everyday knowing that your dreams are no longer yours and the love that you silently fought so hard for is only a memory.

 

 

So this is A BREAK UP LETTER A YEAR TOO LATE

I hope you are well and your new family is happy. Fatherhood seems to fit you perfectly like a tailored suit, I always knew you would make a good one.

 

For the first time,I went home after years of dwelling in my own silence. I went home and finally faced our memories because I think that I have hid from them long enough. I went home to the place where I’ve met you, where I’ve loved you, where I’ve left you, where I’ve lost you. I went home and set our imaginary children free, with all our secret hopes that I’m sure you’ve forgotten. I went home and buried our dead future, because its been gone long enough. I swear I had fought in the cold on my own in a foreign land for that future and every single season saw me struggling for that future to live. And then I wept in a dark room in England without you beside me as I heard that future breathed its last.

 

I went home and past the place where we first kissed and walked pass the corner where you use to park so we could   kiss, where we grew up, grew old together, sitting and kissing. As I walked past it I closed my eyes and thought about the other men I’ve kissed after you left, of the other men I’ve kissed because you left, because I had to forget you left, of the other men that woke me up and told me I am still alive after you left. I went home and ate where we use to eat and choked on the first few bites because I might have seen the old you sat down and laughed across the table as I swallowed the sticky rice and hoped that it blocks the emotions from coming out. I closed my eyes and thought of the other men that sat across me laughing   after you left, the colors of their eyes, the way they laughed, their funny accents, everything that drowned all of your memories. Still, I remembered the many cold dinners I’ve eaten alone staring at an empty sad chair across me, wondering if the rest of my life will look like it.

 

I have seen the old street where you use to live, your old friends, and remembered that old place, that old couch, that old room where we use to fight and where I use to fall asleep in your arms not caring about everything else that was beyond those arms. When I felt like crying, I closed my eyes and thought about the other arms that kept me warm after you left, of the other arms that I sank into and cry secretly into after you left, of the other arms that squeezed me so tightly in hugs that made me feel my own heart was actually still beating.

 

 

I went home and sat quietly in the old church I grew up going to. The church where I promised to marry you and   I closed my eyes and prayed and surrendered my heart and its scars ,the scars that you made when you left and the many other scars that happened after you left. And asked for the courage to forget you, to forget the happiest and saddest first decade of my adult life and the person that dominates its memories. I found the courage to forgive you, the courage to forgive myself, the courage to forgive us, the courage to bury our old love in the place where it all began. Then came back to the life I made for myself to face the new dreams I now own, to make new memories, to face the rest of my life, and look back at home as the place where the fondest of my growing up memories were made, where some of the dearest people in my life will always live. The place where I first fell in love, laughed, kissed, dreamed, prayed, lived. The place were once two people met , had dreams and made the choices that made up the rest of their lives, the rest of our lives. I hoped for my own happiness and for yours.

IMG_4241If you are wondering why I had not said a word to her since it all started up until now, its simply because   I don’t know what to say to her. What do you say to a person whose fulfilment of dreams is the crushing of all of yours? What do you say to a person whose completeness of heart is the shattering of yours? Exactly. Nothing.

 

Well, I’ve discovered my heart hadn’t stop working after you left. In fact I’ve fallen in love so many times. I’ve fallen in love with the smiles of Denmark, I’ve fallen in love with the people of London, the sunset in Greece, the lights of Paris, the Wine in Rome, the noise of Barcelona. I’ve fallen in love with a song being played just for me on a piano, I’ve fallen in love with a dish I’ve never tasted before, I’ve fallen in love watching a surgeons steady hand at work. I’ve fallen in love with a stranger’s smile on a train. I’ve fallen in love with someone’s eyes, someone’s arms, someone’s face. I’ve fallen in love watching someone sleep, I’ve fallen in love with dancing. I’ve fallen in love with the world and I use to think you were the world. I hope the world you have now is happier, I’m sure it’s a little less crazy without me. Without you I would have never known how it is it to truly love, to risk the rest of my life fighting for the plans that can change in a snap of a finger and to gamble everything I have for the dreams of living forever in the love that I believe in or use to believe in, only time can tell if I’ll ever run across love again. Without you I would not know how it is to give up all the dreams I’ve ever known because I trusted that I can live someone else’s dream and hope that they will be enough to keep the both of us. Without you, I would never have been lost and chance upon the path which I now call the life that was meant for me. It isn’t easy and I struggled with the best I can, its like every heartbreak after you made me feel like I was still crying over you but I got better and I have learned that regrets are for the weak and all the choices we ever make in this life are our own, we have no one to blame for them. I have learned to be alone and to live for myself, finally.. and it felt good. I wish you happiness because I am now in the long road to finding mine. On the longest day of the year the same day I have decided that you had my heart a decade ago, I’m picking up its pieces and I’m putting it back together. It has been good, thank you for everything.

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